CHILD ABUSE

CHILD ABUSE.

There was an issue of IQChildren which gave my views on mental abuse of children. I want to talk about the positive side of child care and upbringing; giving them the best start. However there is a place for warnings to “adults” who have problems. But the trouble is none of them would be reading this.

You are reading because you care for your children and want that little extra for them.

Some “parents” couldn’t give a damn. They shouldn’t have children.

Should they go through an education process before getting married? Should people have a license to have children? Both ideas have been proposed.

I get a regular Email from “Really Good Quotes”. Recently Kirsten made a contribution that got right to my tear center. It is partly presented here with her kind permission.

Click on the link then read further if your eyes aren’t blurred.

I recently received a link to a heart breaking Youtube video, five minutes and thirty-five seconds in length. In the time it took me to watch it, about 142 children were abused in the United States. 114 of them will experience at least one psychiatric disorder by the time they are 21 – these will include depression, eating disorders and post-traumatic stress disorder. 80 of them will be arrested for juvenile offences, and over 100 of them will go on to abuse their own children.

Of the estimated 34,560 children who will be abused in the United States tomorrow, four will die. Three of these children will be under the age of four. Only 8640 of the child abuse cases will be reported…

Sometimes the abusers manipulate or threaten their victims to prevent them from telling anyone. Sometimes the victims believe that they deserve the abuse, and that reporting it will only lead to further punishment. Sometimes they are simply too young to be able to communicate their experiences. And in some cases, my friend being a case in point, they do reach out for help, only to be told that they are lying, or that they are imagining it, or that they are acting out of spite.

Mental abuse leaves the child suffering for life. Physical abuse can maim and kill. Sexual abuse can do both mental and physical damage.

The solution to these problems lies with treating the adults who need help. Their parents probably needed help but it’s too late for that.

Prison is definitely no help unless it involves intensive attempts to correct the behavior, but how? Generally the prisoner is incarcerated with others who swap stories, particularly sexual abusers.

In any case prison comes after the damage is done. It’s too late. So how do you find these people? How do you get them to change ways they learned AS A CHILD? It’s abuse in the beginning that fosters their nature in teen and adult life. When they in turn abuse they foster their offspring to abuse. It carries on for another generation unless it is stopped by another adult who can show the child an alternative.

By this I mean a relative or school friends’ parents who take an interest or demonstrate that life can be lived without violence or tension.

Teaching the child to be open and honest and trust you is important. There is a difficulty here with sexual abuse. If we suspect “Uncle Bob” of being too close to a child we run the risk of ‘verballing’ the child. That is putting words in its mouth through intensive questioning so the child agrees with what we suspect even though it may not be true.

Having a phobia about it may produce results that destroy a life. Just being accused of such a crime puts the adult in the police files for ever. They may never be able to get a job where they have “access to children”. Any potential employer who finds out can spread this and ruin the person’s life.

This is definitely NOT saying to ignore signs but let’s not get paranoid about it either.

Witch hunts put to death many innocent people.

Here is more of Kirsten’s letter.

Child abuse takes many forms, including neglect, emotional abuse, physical abuse and sexual abuse. In many cases, several forms of abuse are present in a child's life. While there are people who regard some forms of abuse as worse than others, all abuse is devastating in its own way. Children deserve to be protected. If they are being abused, they deserve to be rescued. Abuse is seldom an isolated incident. In most cases, a single case of abuse represents a pattern. The trouble, as I mentioned in the last issue, is that most abuse is not reported.

However, there are signs that we can look out for. Neglected children generally have poor hygiene and poor general health. They are unsupervised, and therefore may display delinquent behavior and substance abuse. They are tired, hungry and "street smart". Children who are emotionally abused tend to be depressed and anxious. They are either too compliant or too aggressive. They may have sleeping disorders, eating disorders and language impairments. They display obsessive-compulsive behavior, suffer from phobias and suicidal thoughts and exhibit repetitive behavior such as rocking, humming or thumb-sucking. The physically abused children flinch when they are touched. They don't want to go home after school - or if they are being abused at school, they don't want to leave home in the mornings. They have injuries that they cannot adequately explain, and the injuries are in varying stages of recovery. Finally, children who are sexually abused may have trouble walking, sitting or urinating. They may have stained underwear and bleeding or injuries to the obvious areas. They tend to be aggressive, self-abusive and incapable of healthy peer relationships. Their sexual knowledge may be far in advance of their age and stage of development.

If a child tells an adult that they are being abused, that report has to be taken seriously. Children almost never lie about something like that. On the contrary, they are more likely to lie in order to cover up abuse. And frankly, if a child is lying about being abused, you have to believe that there is something seriously wrong in that child's life. Adults frequently don't know how to respond when a child tells them they are being abused. Here are some guidelines.
- Give the child your full attention, and let them know that you are taking them seriously.
- It is natural to feel anger and distress when told about something so upsetting. But for the child's sake, you have to keep your emotions in check. The child has come to you for help, and needs to know that you are there to protect and help them.
- It is very important that you avoid interpreting what the child is saying. Write down what they are telling you in as much detail as possible. Use their own words wherever you can and stick to the facts. Don't ask them leading questions. If you do, some sleazy defense lawyer is going to tell you that you influenced the child.

As in all things, prevention is better than cure. There are steps we can take to protect our children from becoming victims in the first place. The first rule is to maintain open lines of communication. Our kids need to know that they can come to us when bad things happen, and that we will stand up for them. We should tell them what they need to know, and answer their questions openly and honestly. We can read them books that deal with the issues.

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Check out iqadult.blogspot.com

I am trying to get more time to write more issues but it is elusive.

IQTeens is yet to get started but if you want to send suggestions or a few paragraphs that follow the same idea of these blogs you will help kick it along. I’ll promote your blog or website for free if it is relevant.

Send mail to iqadult@gmail.com or iqchildren@gmail.com

Send some comments please. It’s difficult writing when only a few people let me know they read the material. Encouragement goes a long way in any endeavor.

Here is an unexpected comment from Kirsten.

“Kirsten has left a new comment on your post "BRIGHT KIDS, YOGA, SWEARING.":

So right about the swearing. We've had to start being ultra-careful. My son is four years old and autistic. Like many autistic children, he displays echolalia - repeating a word or phrase he's heard over and over and over ad nauseum. As you can imagine, we had a bit of a problem with this when one of us accidentally muttered the F-word in his presence. We're ultra-careful since then.
BTW, can I add a link to your blog on my blog page?”

OK folks, that’s encouraging! YES Kirsten! Oh, the joy.

Bye for now. Be good to each other, Jay Ross.